Mr. Stanley – Matt Gould

Mrs. Stanley – Taylor Steffey

Miss Preen – Angela Kramer

Richard Stanley – Jeremy Ebert

June Stanley – Rachel Himes

John – Trevor Flocco

Sarah – Olivia Kennedy

Mrs. Dexter – Maggie Wu

Mrs. McCutcheon – Emily DeCurtis

Maggie – Kate Kulak

Harriet Stanley – Lauren Kidd

Bert – Justin Yetter

Professor Metz – Vince Tran

Prisoners – Jake Ceccola

                      Joey Chan

                       Michael Parks

                      Dario Dorcely

                      Samantha Reed

                      Zack Kondracki

Prison Guards –     Meghan Harnish

Expressmen –         Alexandra Bryan

                                    Kateleen Kershaw

Loraine – Stephanie Fritz

Sandy – Dan Parks

Beverly – Dan Keener

Wescott – Andy Riegal

Radio Technicians -          Cody Bescript

Kevin Lora

                                                Sean Haines

Girls Chorus –         Laura Krall

                                    Jen Brelecki

Tiffany Smith

                                    Alanna Herman

                                    Andrea Sullivan

                                    Julie Molinara

                                    Alaina Weinheimer

                                    Rebecca Hill

                                    Ambur Kramer

Banjo – Nelson Pun

Deputies – Meghan Wikar

                     Kelly Davis

Plainclothes Man – Rene Cruz

Act One, Scene One

Radio personality Sheridan Whiteside is confined to the home of Mr and Mrs Ernest Stanley after slipping on ice on their sidewalk and breaking his hip. He intends to sue Ernest Stanley for $150,000 as well as occupy his home for the time required to heal. Whiteside insults everyone, including Dr. Bradley, Miss Preen, Ernest Stanley, his wife Daisy and teenage children Richard and June, and even his secretary of 10 years, Maggie Cutler. Maggie, however, is used to Whiteside's tirades and performs her duties with tact and reliance.

Whiteside meets the eerie Harriet Stanley, Mr. Stanley's sister. She presents him a hollynewspaper editor Bert Jefferson. Whiteside, initially disdainful of the newspaperman, soon respects Bert's brave charm and permits an interview. Whiteside explains that he cannot wait to leave Mesalia, and that he is a paid authority on famous murders. branch as a present. Whiteside, though taken aback by her bizarre nature, is convinced that he has seen her before. Whiteside then meets young

Act One, Scene Two

Days Later. The napping Whiteside stirs from his sleep only to find Miss Preen, who informs Whiteside that Maggie went out hours ago. As the minutes pass, followed by more uncomfortable visits by Mr. and Mrs. Stanley as well as Harriet Stanley, Richard and June walk into the room, carrying ice skates. Whiteside apologizes for his rude behavior in the past, Richard and June tell Whiteside that Maggie was seen ice skating with Bert. Maggie walks in, and Whiteside immediately confronts her. Maggie is in love with Bert as well as his play, which includes a great role for a leading actress. Maggie tells Whiteside that she is going to marry Bert, and will resign from her position. She leaves the room, warning Whiteside not to play any of his tricks to break matters up with Bert.

Whiteside, after fuming over Maggie's planned departure, skims over Bert's play. He then contacts Lorraine Sheldon, his famous actress friend with a sleazy reputation, to visit Mesalia to convince Bert to give her the part in his play through any means necessary. Lorraine agrees.

Meanwhile, Dr. Bradley returns with the news that he confused Mr. Whiteside's X-Ray with old Mrs. Moffett's X-Rays, and that Mr. Whiteside isn't actually hurt at all. Dr. Bradley declares that Whiteside can leave the Stanley's home immediately. Whiteside, attached to his scheme to separate Maggie and Bert, convinces Dr. Bradley to conceal the "good news." In return, Whiteside promises to help edit Dr. Bradley's lengthy memoir, "Forty Years an Ohio Doctor."

Act Two

Christmas Eve. Whiteside prepares for his Christmas Eve radio broadcast. Maggie tells Whiteside that Beverly Carlton, their English thespian friend, is stopping by on his way to New York City. Bert informs everyone that he plans to interview Beverly, and also announces that he is getting Maggie a Christmas present. Whiteside is again visited by Harriet Stanley, who gives him a Christmas present. Whiteside asks Harriet if they have met before; she tells him that they have not. Some moving men deliver four penguins, a Christmas present to Whiteside from Admiral Richard E. Byrd. The penguins are ushered into the library.

Richard walks in, informing Whiteside that he wants to be a photographer, against his father's wishes. Whiteside says that Richard should do it. June enters and presents her boyfriend, Sandy, a labor-organizer in Mr. Stanley's factory, to Whiteside, informing him that they wish to get married. Whiteside advises them to get married that very night. Sandy quickly leaves, and June runs upstairs.

Lorraine Sheldon arrives and chitchats with Whiteside over gossip as well as the plan to seduce Bert. Maggie and Bert enter and Lorraine immediately starts flirting with Bert. Bert offers Lorraine a ride to her hotel, and they depart together. Maggie suspects Whiteside's involvement. She prepares to confront him when Beverly Carlton walks in. After delighting Whiteside and Maggie with an impersonation of Lorraine's latest fling, the English aristocrat Lord Bottomley, Beverly plays a song on the piano, his own composition entitled "What Am I To Do?" After the song, Maggie wheels Whiteside into the library, seizing a moment with Beverly. Maggie informs Beverly of the situation involving Bert, Lorraine and Whiteside. Beverly offers to help, and Maggie whispers a plan into Beverly's ear. Beverly accepts the challenge and leaves.

After radio men arrive to prepare for Whiteside's broadcast, June and Richard leave with their luggage. Lorraine enters and the telephone rings; it is a trans-Atlantic call from Lord Bottomley. Over the phone, Lorraine accepts Lord Bottomley's marriage proposal. Bert arrives and informs the group that he got a two-minute interview with Beverly Carlton at the train station, but Beverly stood in a phone booth most of the time, "making....faces for about five minutes." Bert leaves the room to prepare cocktails. Whiteside realizes that Beverly mimicked Lord Bottomley at the behest of Maggie, proving this to Lorraine with the records from the telephone operator. Lorraine, embarrassed, cancels her plans. After realizing it was Maggie's fault, Lorraine vows to break up her relationship with Bert.

The radio men enter the living room to set up equipment. Bert enters and Lorraine informs him that she is staying, and wants to read his play. Maggie storms out; Bert follows her. Mr. and Mrs. Stanley enter and walk upstairs as choir children are ushered into the home, but quickly rush back down with letters from their departed children. The letters inform them that Whiteside recommended their decisions. Whiteside attempts to read his Christmas address with the backing of the choir singing "Silent Night," but is interrupted when Miss Preen bursts out of the library after a penguin bites her. The penguin follows and panic ensues.

Act Three

Christmas Day. Maggie tells Whiteside that she is taking the 1:00 PM train out of town. Bert staggers in, drunk. He tells the pair that he and Lorraine discussed the play all night long. Lorraine plans on taking him to her cabin in Lake Placid to work on the play for three weeks. Dr. Bradley enters, and follows Whiteside's recommendation to get Bert some black coffee and breakfast. They leave, and Maggie flees into the library, sobbing.

Harriet Stanley enters to watch Whiteside open her present to him, an old photograph of Harriet taken in her twenties. Whiteside is still convinced that he has seen her face before. The doorbell rings; it is the zany Banjo, Whiteside's Hollywood comedian friend. Banjo fondles Miss Preen, who quickly runs into the library. Whiteside informs Banjo of the situation involving Maggie, Lorraine and Bert. He feels guilty, and wants to make it up to Maggie by getting Lorraine out of town. The pair are unable to come up with a realistic plan. Miss Preen exits the library, carrying her luggage. She informs Whiteside that she is so disgusted with him that she is walking out on this case as well as the nursing profession, and leaves.

Mr. Stanley enters with June, having found her before she got married; Richard has been apprehended in Toledo and is being brought back home. Mr. Stanley invites two deputy sheriffs into the home, who tell Whiteside they have a warrant to forcibly eject him from the Stanley residence if Whiteside does not leave within fifteen minutes. Richard is brought in by a detective, and Mr. Stanley informs Whiteside that he has ten minutes remaining.

Lorraine enters, explaining that she loves Bert's play and that she is deliriously happy with Whiteside. She sets her muff on the sofa and sits down. Banjo enters; an uncomfortable moment passes as Lorraine detests Banjo for publicly embarrassing her some years back. Things become even more uncomfortable when Maggie enters looking for a copy of the New Year's Eve broadcast. Lorraine mentions to Maggie that she will be hearing the broadcast in Lake Placid with Bert. Maggie exits.

The moving men bring a mummy case into the living room. It is a Christmas present to Whiteside from the Khedive of Egypt. Whiteside begins to show desperation as Mr. Stanley announces the five minute mark. Lorraine, taken with the case, opens it, stands inside, and recites a few lines of poetic dialogue. Whiteside gestures to Banjo to close the case and trap her inside. Maggie briefly re-enters the room, handing Whiteside the photograph he received from Harriet. After taking another look at the picture, Whiteside informs Banjo that he recognizes Harriet, and knows how to get Lorraine and the mummy case out of the house.

Mr. Stanley enters, telling Whiteside the time is up. Whiteside asks for a favor from Mr. Stanley: to have the sheriffs help Banjo take the mummy case to the airport. Mr. Stanley refuses, whereupon Whiteside stands up and confronts Mr. Stanley. Whiteside reveals that Mr. Stanley's sister is the infamous Harriet Sedley, who murdered her mother and father with an axe twenty-five years prior in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Whiteside will inform his radio audience of Mr. Stanley's sheltering of his murderous sister unless Mr. Stanley does what Whiteside has requested. Mr. Stanley grudgingly complies.

Maggie enters, and Whiteside hands her Lorraine's muff as a "Christmas gift". Maggie realizes what Whiteside has done, and is surprised and touched by Whiteside's compassion. Whiteside takes Maggie's train ticket so that he can return to New York as quickly as possible, leaving Maggie to pursue her romance with Bert. Bert enters, and Whiteside gives him some intimidating parting words. Whiteside also tells Bert that he (Whiteside) will be sending Bert's play to Katharine Cornell. Whiteside lastly tells Mr. Stanley "good-bye," along with a request that Mr. Stanley allow June and Richard to follow their dreams, "or else". Maggie and Bert embrace, and Mrs. Stanley descends the stairs as Whiteside is heard slipping and screaming from outside. Dr. Bradley and Bert carry Whiteside back into his wheelchair. Whiteside exclaims that he is going to sue Mr. Stanley for $350,000, and the play ends.